lawhun_madden

So have I mentioned that I did not ask to be put on disability?
Well I didn’t.  Yes I had slowly been getting crazier and crazier (no offense it just an easy word to use is all.) this is a good thing because we all change and grow.  Unfortunately, my job has sucked the life out of me.  Not just my job of course, life happens.  So now we add a medication and take away one.  Sometimes we increase or decrease the amount to take; so I am grateful for disability for that reason.  I cannot imagine going into work each day with such changes.  I would be fired for sure. My emotions are way out of whack!  I have always been a sap head, hopeful romantic, crying at a good movie or Hallmark commercials.

I remember my first month in my new position one of the guys in back said enjoy it while it lasts because it won’t last forever.  He called it he sure did.  The things I have seen and been through I know every job has their issues but WOW.  I was so excited to have a “real” job; you know other than gas stations, restaurants, paper routes, etc. I knew I would have a hard time adjusting as I came from jobs that had me on my feet ALL the time to a job that had me sitting and using a computer all day.  Huge different and now huge ass LOL (but hey baby got back!)

So 18 years I get paid bi-monthy the 15th and last day of month.  Now I get two checks at the end of the month.  This after having to wait 90 days for work’s payment and 120 days for disability payment.  Now I have been trying to get people to change auto payments etc.  I have worked with loan people to lower my monthly payments.  I keep thinking this will all work out it always does and I am confident it will as the big guy in the sky always has my back.  However, even knowing it will all work out.  Banks not cutting me any slack on overdrafts.  I feel so screwed and it just keeps snowballing.  UGH  This too shall pass.

My Tennessee besties just lost a dear friend.  They were there for me after Debbies funeral even drove 3 1/2 hours to come get me because of car problems.  I feel so helpless right now as I know they hurt and will miss their friend.  You know how it is.  Nothing you can say eases the pain; we all just have to go through our own way of greiving.  Can’t even give a hug because of distance.  Hopefully I can get through a few appointments that I have and be able to get down there to see them.

I am all about the babbling and changing the subject whew.  So Sunday is my birthday!  Yay I turn 52.  My mind is about 15, body is about 80 but I actually turn 52 Sunday.  I aways go through reflection my birthday month.  Why am I here? Why am I not doing x, y or z.  How did I end up right where I am today.  Which choice had I changed would have put me in a different place at 52.  Don’t get me wrong all my choices have made me who I am and I like who I am most days; just Depression and Anxiety are so dibilitating.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow because my teeth are so awful.  Just one more thing falling apart on me.  The getting older shit is for the birds. I guess I have babbled enough for now.  My thoughts are all over the place.

Peace and love to all…