lawhun_madden

In the past week last Monday 8/15/16 through today now 8/24/16 12:47am I think I have experienced every emotion I recognize and some I don’t.  I lost one of my favorite cousins.  Not only was I crushed at her passing but devastated as to what happened.  I’ll not go into details as its doesn’t change the fact that she has joined so many others that have gone in my life especially the past six years.  When I was 10/12 I don’t remember my exact age my Grandma Hill passed away; that was the first experience with death I had.  It seems some how some way I have lost more than my fair share of family and friends in my lifetime.  Some have gone because of natural causes, some at their own hand, some from drugs and alcohol, and some from strange circumstances that will never be answered.  I say this as I am far from an expert on death as it were but I have learned that we are here for a short time and we should live life to the fullest as you just never know what is going to happen.  This past week I mourned the death of my favorite cousin and watched as her son and husband just seemed so lost and her daughter and grand-daughter were completely broken by her passing, and her grand-sons are at the tender age that they I believe don’t really understand what has truly happened.  As each day passes and grandma isn’t there as she was before there will be many questions I am sure.  I am grateful we are in a time that has many resources to help with young children I hope their parents get them the help they will definitely need and I pray the family gets the counseling they need as well.  I learned she did much for her community and I already knew her family was her life.  I keep thinking now of all the people I want to spend time with and want to make a better effort at doing exactly that.  I know I will try to I will want to but some days people just don’t understand how hard it is to get out of bed.  In the past 8 months I have had good moments even good days but I don’t think I have had a whole week pulled together yet.

When will this end?  Why can’t I shake things off anymore?  I felt I was a pretty good actress in my own life; doing what I had to do and making it through each day with my fake it til ya make it attitude.  I could function in this fucked up world we have today.  Some days are just too much.  There is so very much disrespect and hate in this world.  People not getting along because of the color of their skin for Gods sake!  People taking the law into their own hands and the law misusing their power.  Sick sick people that think abusing animals is ok?  Abusing children is ok?  What has happened to us as humans?  Where is the compassion for one another?  I am far from perfect believe me I have done things I am not proud of and I have hurt people that I love.  Today I try to make amends if I clearly am out of line and I strive not to be that way.  There was a time I didn’t have to take prescription drugs to function (if what my life is today functioning).  I have times when I am so rageful I could harm and times where all I do is cry.  I look at my life today and wonder what have I done to make a difference.  Will I be remembered as some anxious and depressed woman who couldn’t make it out of her home some days?  Yet other days I laugh and feel actual joy. 

I went to a church on Sunday.  This was huge as big crowds these days have me crying I get so anxious.  Hard to believe I spoke to over 500 people on a stage at one point in my life.  So I go to this church because a friend years ago took me there and I thought I would look up the hours of service on-line (I was in a mood).  Their website says some as you are; so I did.  Sporting my shorts and T-shirt I drove my butt to church and parked my car. As soon as I got out of the car I started bawling but by the grace of God/My higher Power/whomever I was going into this service because I clearly needed something.  Now I know nothing about the bible, Jesus, etc. Well not nothing but I digress.  I walked into the church sobbing.  The young man at the door welcomed me (I said thank you through my sobs) and I kept walking in.  Now I don’t know if I was sobbing from anxiety, sobbing from the loss of my cousin, sobbing because I was in a church but I was sobbing.  I thought I’m going in (just that feeling I needed to be there I don’t know). Many people were at this 10 a.m. service and I passed many in my sobbing state.  Most people looked at me and kept walking. I composed myself enough to ask which way and nice gentleman pointed me in the direction of where service was to be.  I walked in found a seat and asked if it was being saved and it wasn’t so sat down.  I finally calmed down a little bit after a few deep breaths and the service started with a few songs that I didn’t know and I did manage to stand for them both was good as I usually can’t stand to long with my back.  The preacher/pastor/minister don’t know what to call him started preaching on a dangerous God.  Now I am not even going to begin to try to explain this but it did actually make some sense as I sat listening and tearing up from time to time.  I think it was a good service its pretty much a blank because of all my tears but I felt better by the time it was over with so it was good I suppose.  I think my sobbing made me unapproachable maybe I’m not sure.  Not that I wanted attention brought onto myself or anything but I thought it odd that not one person reached out to me as I walked in alone, clearly not a member and sobbing.  Those of you that go to that church please I am not judging just making an observation.  When the service was over I looked up and in the row in front of me, four seats over was a dear friend that I went to school with.  Our kids did girl scouts together, went to school together just a familiar face to say hey too.  I walked out with her and she was telling me how the church has changed her life and things were so well which made me truly happy for her.  Will I go back?  I guess we will see what next Sunday brings.

What a week! Love to all…