lawhun_madden

So this week I was told off by a ‘friend’ basically telling me about myself and my pathetic life.  As if I need anyone to tell me how things are; but just goes to show why I have such trust issues.  This part of my life is probably an all time lowest of lows fighting depression and anxiety.  I don’t handle things well at all.  I definitely don’t need shit thrown in my face.  I am not a perfect person nor do I claim to be I have burned others and have been burned intentional or not it happens.  I do my best each day to be the best me I can and apologize when I hurt others (which is far less than years ago or at least I hope it is).

So enough about that.  Three times this past week I was ready to admit myself to the crazy ward to see if we could do something about my meds or whatever because my mind is off the hook crazy.  I swear I don’t even know who I am anymore.  My fear is I don’t know how I will handle not being able to leave that raises my anxiety just thinking about it.  What if I’m crazier than I even think I am and get stuck in there for a long time?  How will I keep finances and other things in order (not that I have done that great with it)?  I will have a great moment then dark I don’t want to leave my bed days.  The harder I try to look within the harder it is to figure it out.  I try to meditate to open my mind that’s not working, writing isn’t working, thank goodness I run rescued dogs/cats that is somewhat my sanity these days.  Unfortunately I can’t do that too often because of having no money for fuel.  This whole disability thing has sucked but I know I would have been fired for sure had I still been working.  So I guess I am grateful for my great doctor for saving me from myself.

Well I guess that’s all for now.
Love to all…