I was up and down last night trying to sleep but not doing a very good job at it. Excited that my friends are coming to town I thought. Letting Prince out to potty, getting up to potty a zillion times myself, trying not to let my head wonder. Thank God I have a shrink appointment in the morning.
I haven’t felt the best for a few days just not feeling well. My back has been killing me with this weather change and the meds just aren’t cutting it. Every time I turn around I have a headache. polyneuropathy is working overtime on my feet and I have tried to keep the lotion on my feet and the meds in my system to help with all the pain but it’s never ending. I’ve been nauseous all day and I’m not going to be seeing my friends that I have been waiting for because I feel to fucking shitty. Needless to say my anxiety and depression are on overload as all I want is to feel somewhat normal again. You can only fake it so much. I hate what I have become. I know it should end and it won’t last forever they say but damn I want the old fucked up me back. This fucked up me sucks big time. Hard to leave the house I do and I will but it takes everything in me to do so. This leads me to feeling exhausted all the time. I thought I had a clue about depression, pain, and anxiety but I tell ya as understanding as I was with others I had no clue to how draining it all is.
So I lay down to nap today as I was a walking or sitting zombie. I had awful dreams/nightmares. I usually only remember them when I first wake up and then they are gone but today, wow; I vaguely remember both of them the odd parts. First I had Angela Lansbury hitting on me and drugs were involved but don’t really remember much but that and then second my Prince was having a leg amputated that one I woke up crying it was so real. I am tired of being in pain, tired of this hopeless feeling, tired of being in pain, tired of being anxious, tired of being in pain, tired of feeling like a nobody as I can’t work at this time. Just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired. As you can see today is a really bad day. UGH
This is one of those days it takes extra energy not to go there in my head. You know the world would be better off with out me thoughts. I have to believe I am going through this to learn something, sooooo lets see what tomorrow will bring.
Love to all…
lawhun_madden 
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