Do you ever say to yourself Uncle already? I mean seriously I can handle a lot NOT! Seems to be less and less and more and more keeps coming up. This week I saw my counselor on Monday. Yay love my counselor have forever 8+ years. Three hours later I get a call telling me with insurance changes blah blah I have to change counselors. Are you fucking kidding me? I am at about the lowest point of my life, I can barely leave the house, the only happiness I find is in dog rescue, I have been sick for over a week maybe bronchial may not and I have to find a new counselor and start all over. I was just saying to her on Monday I don’t want to kill myself but I have no fucking life so why am I here? Now lets just start with a stranger who I have to learn to trust when I have trust issues and yea that will be easy. NOT! I am pissed, sad, frustrated, hurt, ready to crawl into a hole and say fuck it all. It is exhausting trying to stay strong when it’s just one thing after another.
Add sickness. Missing my old self, mourning the old me I guess. The thought or trying to wrap my mind around this new me who is so different from the old me. I was a total extrovert now I can barely leave the house. Seriously God what is the lesson here? I did make it to church feeling like crap and to counseling feeling like crap but been in bed mostly feeling like crap.
I am so tired of death. People being pulled from my life. Of course the older you get the more often you lose people as we are only here a short time on this earth. People say make the most of each day has not dealt with anxiety, depression, Agoraphobia. I would love to be the outgoing person I used to be. I miss that person. I hate what I have become. I feel weak! Ugh I am so frustrated.
So I am told to apply for Social Security Disability. Seriously I was hoping a few months and I would be good as new. Not so much. They (insurance companies) don’t want to have to pay too long so they want you to get on top of things so you’ll be prepared when their money stops. Seriously why did I pay this insurance for 18 fucking years if it only pays 2?
If it wasn’t for Prince that beautiful pit bull face I probably would have done something stupid long ago. I admit I am calm when I go to church too. Although I’m still not sure I am on board with a man dieing and rising but I may get there. I know there is something bigger than me cause I would not be here if not.
What else can I bitch about I seem to be on a roll. Disability sucks! Did I mention that? You go from barely being able to pay your bills to having even less money to pay your bills and oh public aid yea I lived to ask for help there! NOT! I mean seriously I am grateful it is available but the way people look at people on public aid sucks.
Oh yea a school chum is in hospice after fighting for her life (breast cancer) for the past nine years. Another person I know is dealing with a cancer and is so stubborn can’t even discuss it let alone suggest anything.
Now that I am done whining let’s go for gratitude. My mother had her colonoscopy this week and two polyps were removed and both were benign! Yay! I have a beautiful, strong, and successful daughter. I have two grand-sons and a grand-daughter I love with all my heart. I live with my mother who is awesome. I have a roof over my head. Food (most times) to eat. I am able to drive a car the bank and I own. I enjoy transporting rescued dogs when I am able. My mental and physical health both suck big time but I still have my humor. 🙂 I have friends and family that love me warts and all.
So for all my whining my life isn’t all that bad. I know there are people dealing with a whole heck of a lot more than I am for sure.
lawhun_madden 
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