lawhun_madden

Wondering when I turned right when I should have turned left.

I’ve been wondering when I turned right when I should have turned left? When I looked down when I should have looked up? When I sat down when I should have stood up?  My point how did I get to where I am today?

I’ve never wanted much out of my life.  I don’t need a lot of money.  Just wanted to make a decent living.  Be able to buy groceries, go on a vacation once in a while. Nothing to exciting.  I took one vacation in 18 years and that was paid for from a friend. My health has slowly gone down hill and I just wonder why?  I am far from perfect but for the most part I have led my life in a good manner.  When I was healthier I use to volunteer all the time.  Now I can’t even do that.  I do transport rescue dogs but even that wears me out.

I’m trying real hard to see what the lesson is here.  My Tennessee bestie thinks maybe all those I went into auto pilot to help needed to pick up their own lives.  Maybe?  Giving feels good, makes me happy.  At least it use to.  I just don’t have much to give anymore.  I’m broken, spent, put a fork in me I’m done.  I am so very tired of fighting illnesses.  I would love to be someone who has courage to face their crap head on but Chronic Pain is wearing me out, Depression is wearing on me, Anxiety its all very exhausting.  I’m just so tired of fighting.

No I’m not going to do anything stupid, just venting mainly!
Love to all…..

One response to “Wondering when I turned right when I should have turned left.”

  1. depressionistheenemy Avatar
    depressionistheenemy

    I’m sorry to read that you’re feeling this way. I think helping other people whilst battling with your own inner demons can be a double edged sword at times. It can feel good knowing that you’ve made a positive difference to another person (or animals) life, but if it drains you to such an extent that you are left feeling depressed etc, I guess there comes a time when you have to put yourself first.

    As selfish as it sounds, I think part of having a mental illness means having to focus solely on yourself and your own happiness at times. After all, it’s only when you make yourself feel better that you can have the energy and the desire to help others.

    At least that is my take on it anyway 🙂

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