lawhun_madden

I haven’t shared in some time now.  Why? I wish I knew my head is full of crap that needs to get out and I know I would feel better if only for a minute but just haven’t been able to sit down and do it.  So this morning once again I sit down and tell myself to write something, anything.  I look around my room (which I spend most my time in) and again on a daily note all the things I need to do.  Do I do them NO, I just don’t have the energy.  Don’t know where to start.  Can’t seem to just make myself do it.  I’m pretty happy I got up to move to the computer to even type.  I am so sick of feeling so broken, worthless, uneasy, and down.  The one good thing I have been going to church to try and learn about the bible and what it says happened.  I mean I have always believed there was a higher power of sort.  Even used “God” because it’s easier than trying to explain what I believe.  

I have meet a group of people in my 8 a.m. small group that I just adore.  My age and older and they are all so genuine.  We are learning some of us from the beginning and others have been in the bible most their lives.  But this group of people I feel at peace with.  I can cry (and I do often), laugh, have fun with, etc.  just feels like home there.  Do I have a clue yet? Maybe. Does my head feel like it’s going to pop open some mornings? Most definitely.  But I make an attempt to make that group even if I don’t make church or the other small group because these people have welcomed me with love and understanding.  No we don’t know each other well.  I haven’t been going but 8 months maybe a year now not sure.  It will take time to know more about each other but for an hour on Sunday mornings I feel at peace.  Then service I usually do as well but some subjects I end up crying through so its hard but I stay most of the time.

I want so much to be able to go back to work and I know I just can’t right now.  I get hope when I have a good day or two but then bam! Smack me in the face my depression takes over. We have changed meds in the last year and a half; which seem to give me more and more good days which is a good thing but I wonder if I will ever be able to go back.  That gets me all wired up because I’m not living life. My problems aren’t nothing compared to many out there but I really am not living. Rescue dog transportation helps me get out of my head and does give me much joy but living on next to nothing doesn’t make it easy to volunteer. Church and dog runs these are good. I get out for doctors appointments and the occational visit with my daughter. There is so much more to life than this be my head has me prisoned. UGH! 

Then theres insurance OMG the paperwork for disability and long term disability is like constant.  That’s depressing in itself and when they set up a phone interview my anxiety is through the roof.  I feel bad for the people calling but I’ve told them I understand their doing their jobs but it doesn’t help my mental shape at all. Like people I am on disability for depression and anxiety so make it worse with tons of paperwork and phone calls. GEEZ! But I do my best to get through that too.

Anyone got Snapchat? I love the filters I can be goofy and pretend everything is ok.  Not perfect but acting as if is what I did for years before I had my break down.  Feels like of cool to just act a fool in my own home. Doesn’t change anything but does get me to laugh at myself and giggle from time to time is what I really need as I like to have fun or at least I used to. One thing I have always been good at is poking fun at myself.

Well I guess that’s my babble for today.

Love to all…<3